tommyiscooldotcom

So, you've all heard those McDonald's ads where they make fun of 'other' sandwich stores for taking ages to make a sandwich? ('Whaaatttt woooullddd youuu likkkeee onnn youuurrr suubbbbbbb?') Well, before today I didn't have a problem with them. Obviously they were taking a pot shot at me, and every other Subway Sandwich Artist. Obviously McDonald's thinks they're so inferior to me that they have to defame me on the radio. That's cool. Jealousy makes people do stupid things. But today those red-nosed fuckers crossed the line.

Making fun of Subway for being slow would be cool, if McDonald's was faster. But today, I order a Chicken Caesar Deli Choice (with one gram less fat than a Big Mac mind you) and how long does it take? 1 minute? No. 2 or 3 minutes, the average time that same sub would take at Subway? Nope. Maybe 4 minutes? Nein. 5 minutes, the time it would take me to make 3 footlongs? No. Not even close.

My Chicken Caesar Deli Choice took SIX MINUTES. SIX MINUTES OF WAITING AT THE MCDONALD'S COUNTER, WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE GET THEIR CHEESEBURGERS AND MCNUGGETS AND BIG MACS AND MCHEARTDISEASES, OCCASSIONALLY CHECKING MY PHONE SO IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO EVEN THOUGH I WAS JUST AT THE SHOPS TO BUY SOME SECOND-HAND BOOKS TO READ BECAUSE I AM CHEAP

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK MCDONALDS

SIX MINUTES! SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE WAITING FOR SOME DUDE TO PUT TWO PIECES OF CHICKEN, BACON, LETTUCE AND SAUCE ON A ROLL WHILE REPEATING SAID INGREDIENTS OUT LOUD LIKE IN THE AD. WOW DUDE YOU HAD 4 THINGS TO PUT ON A SUB, YOU'RE SO HIGH TECH. WHY NOT TRY MAKING A FUCKING FOOTLONG CHICKEN PIZZIOLA WITH ALL THE SALADS AND TRY DOING YOUR RECITING OUT LOUD BULLSHIT?! YOU'D GET STUCK AT THE FIFTH SALAD YOU FUCKING HACK, NONE OF YOU MCSLAVES COULD HACK IT IN THE FUCKING MAJOR LEAGUES AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT

Now Jim, we use our Time Shifting device to waste more of Tommy's time. Please place your enormous nose inside the Time Matrix cylinder

YOU DEFAME MY CHARACTER, YOU SPEND HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON RADIO ADS THAT CLAIM I'M SLOW, AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO TAKE SIX MINUTES TO MAKE A CHICKEN SANDWICH?

AND SPEAKING OF MCFUCKNOLDS

WHAT'S WITH THE SPOONS THEY GIVE YOU FOR REGULAR SUNDAES? I'VE SEEN 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS WITH IMAGE PROBLEMS WHO ARE THICKER THAN THESE THINGS. IT'S THE ONLY THING IN THE WORLD THAT SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM CAN SNAP IN HALF

AND THOSE SPOONS THEY GIVE YOU WITH MCFLURRIES? ARE THOSE CUTLERY OR A PIECE OF A FUCKING SPACE SHUTTLE?! WHY ARE THEY HOLLOW? WHATS WITH THE GREY PLASTIC? MAYBE THE SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA WOULDN'T HAVE CRASHED IF MCDONALDS WEREN'T STEALING THEIR SPARE PARTS FOR ICE CREAM SUNDAES

The new McFlurry spoon, now with mp3 player and central heating

AND HOW COME THEY GIVE YOU DICED ONION ON A CHEESEBURGER BUT AS SOON AS YOU UPGRADE TO A QUARTER POUNDER YOU GET THESE MASSIVE CHUNKS OF ONION?! WHY MAKE TWO SEPERATE KINDS OF ONION FOR NO REASON? NO WONDER YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES $5 AN HOUR, YOU'RE THROWING MONEY AWAY ON VEGETABLE SLICERS

SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE RONALD, SIX MINUTES OF MY LIFE WERE HAMBURGLED EARLIER TODAY, AND ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU'LL PAY. IT MIGHTN'T BE TODAY, IT MIGHTN'T BE TOMORROW BECAUSE I AM BUSY, BUT EVENTUALLY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN CLOWN


YOU'RE GOING DOWN

JUST A TASTE OF WHAT'S TO COME RON