tommyiscooldotcom

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The following is the third in my series of guest blog articles, this one by my good friend and occassional spooning partner REDACTED, and is titled

COOKIES SURE WERE GOOD
By REDACTED

After watching Battle Royale yesterday, I gotsta thinking. If the time came when the fan had been hit by all kinds of faecal matter, would I have the minerals to plug someone? Could I snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers?

What about slicing people up with a samurai sword Beatrix kiddo style? I probably could you know. I always thought about how crap those guys in America were, with a TEC-DC9 semi-automatic handgun, a rifle, two sawed-off shotguns, and 99 home made bombs and they only managed to cap 13 people. What they hell is that? It’s the useless actions of unmotivated losers. Anyway, I digress. Could you do it? Do you have the stones?

I decided to run a questionnaire to discover some other people’s ideas on the subjects. However, due to the fact I am a lazy man, possibly the laziest man in all of Eastwood, this proposed extensive questionnaire quickly became just asking lairy drunk people at the pub. 80% of people surveyed had considered killing someone in the past but only 72% ever thought they could actually do it when push came to shove. However, when ANALysing the data, an alarming correlation was found. VB drinkers are 20% more likely than ‘New’ drinkers and 56% more likely than Haagen Light drinkers to be willing to killing someone.


Victoria Bitter - The Silent Killer

Most inneresting of all was that ALL people surveyed with Guinness in hand would be willing to end someone’s life. They would also have only a marginally smaller problem offing women or children. This means that nearly everyone in Ireland is a potential killer. Now I don’t know what you think when you hear this, but I think get them on a boat and send them across the Atlantic (that’s towards America for all you people who are about as well versed on world geography as George Bush) with some potatoes and fire them up with some anti-Catholicism campaigns. Maybe they could be shown Dogma and told it was made in America, by Americans, for Americans, and all the profits from the 20 people that had good enough taste to go see it would stay in America.


Hey fucker, at least I wasn't in Gigli

These enraged and now drunk Irish people (who have probably made some sort of bootleg alcohol from the potatoes, sea water and seagull feet) would storm across America all the way to the White House. Seeing as all American soldiers are busy killing innocent, poor, not white people all over the world, the country should be relatively unguarded. This would mean the Irish could kill all the Americans, and maybe even go find Bush on holiday in Texas and sort him out. You never know.


Asshole in one

Think about it though, cause it would solve several world problems. The angry Irish would no longer be killing each other in Great Britain. America would realize they are not invincible and might stop pissing off the rest of the world for a short time.Bush would be out of office, unless America is so stupid that they elect someone else that’s dead. The catastrophic deaths back home would mean the troops involved in Operation Freedom might allow people in poor, not white countries to be alive instead of free. Americans now in residence all over the world would have to return back to the Fatherland, which or course has the best result out of them all cause they can get the hell out of my uni bar. Yeah.