tommyiscooldotcom

Because he's just full of so much creativity (and semen), here's my boy REDACTED with another of his not-as-good-as-Tommy's guest blog articles. This one is about whaling, and is further proof that REDACTED is a left-wing pansy who doesn't like violence and the beautiful taste of whale meat on sandwiches


TOMMY'S MARK LATHAM IMPRESSION WAS GREAT
A Transcript by REDACTED
Ryuhei: Good Evening. We welcome you to In Tokyo Tonight. I am Ryuhei Sasagawa and this is Noriko Nakagawa.

Noriko: Welcome. On tonight’s program, we review the new national school uniform for girls, are they really short enough?

Ryuhei: Also, a recent report discussing the shortage of bleach commonly used for streaking hair has turned many teenage males into a frenzied mob lobbying local parliaments, urging them to increase productions. That story later.


haha mega awesoma tokyo hollywood? agreement!

Noriko: In technology news, a new computer game featuring popular celebrities trying to engage in intercourse with different mammals has quickly become one of the national bestsellers. Also, a new kind of vibrator has been found to occasionally give the user fatal electric shocks during use. We’ll tell you which one in a later story.


it's called the hoink

Ryuhei: But first, research using whales has been a foundation of the Japanese scientific community for decades. However, now our country's esteemed leaders want to increase our research, that means more whales are needed for this to take place. Some evil dogs in other countries have tried to stop us carrying out further research, as they know we will become more powerful than their weak minds can allow. While it is clear to members of our esteemed race that such research is highly beneficial, members of lesser races are feebly trying to stop us it our supreme scientific knowledge.

Noriko: The scientific research in question uses minke whales that are especially suited for scientific purposes. They fit perfectly in the containment section of the research vessels that helps in the research. The scientific discoveries that our beloved country is trying to make using the whales are extensive. Firstly, we are attempting to solve the old question of the existence of super-powered whales which can survive an exploding harpoon to the brain. The technology used by these elusive extra-super-power whales could be vital in any upcoming military ventures our beloved country wants to embark upon. Despite our 100-year peace tradition with America, there may be a need to expand our boarder in the future as a diet of whale meat and dog makes people very fertile.

Ryuhei: Despite the evil westerners belief to the contrary, we are also carrying out these experiments out of compassion for the minke whales. There were reports several years ago that angry Westerners had poisoned some of our beloved wildlife. The reports claimed that the round eyes wanted to kill our beautiful whales. So, as a result, we are trying to ascertain whether or not these reports are correct by catching many whales to make sure they are not poisoned. See, this is an act of love performed out of care for the whales. Once we have made certain that a whale has not been poisoned, we ensure that it did not take part in the scientific process for nothing and so we send them to help our young people also learn. The new Whales Helping Others (W.H.O.) organization takes the tested whale meat to our schools where it is carefully used for more research in the schools.


compassionate scientific research

Noriko: Our beloved country is also concerned with how old the whales are getting. To better understand the life span of the whales, we can take a small chunk from beside the whales’ ear and test how old the whale is. While this can be done without killing the whale, we also want to ensure that older whales taste the same as younger whales so we must bring in the whole whale to compare the two. This is done in the complicated age/taste procedure where the chuck near the ear is eaten by a young wolf. If the wolf passes the whale within 12 hours, then it is deemed to be a relatively young whale. The whales are then chopped into 3-inch steaks (incidently exactly twice the length of the average Japanese erect penis) and distributed all over the countries. If the wolf takes longer to pass the whale, it is an older whale so must be eaten quicker. Esteemed Japanese Doctor Roe carries out this technical process in laboratories. While we only test 1 in every 158 whales, we can determine averages to estimate the ages of the other whales we just eat anyway.

Ryuhei: We’ll be back after these short announcements. You stay classy, Tokyo.


Tommy Sez: I am not putting a link to fucking Greenpeace on my blog