tommyiscooldotcom

Aside from my brief fling in the Iraqi Republican Guard (word to my boys Ibrahim and Adil!), I don't know much about torture. Which is why I was a little surprised when I flicked through TIME Magazine this week to find an 'EXCLUSIVE LOOK BEHIND THE WIRE AT GITMO'. See, I used to think torture was all about strapping people to chairs and sticking bamboo shoots below their fingernails, or sleep deprivation, or making them watch an AFL game. But no, I was wrong. Because the Pentagon has no need for that when they can tell a terrorist that he's sadder than a RAT!

11 December 2002 0100:

Detainee was reminded that no one loved, cared or remembered him. He was reminded that he was less the human and that animals had more freedom and love than he does. He was taken outside to see a family of banana rats... moving around freely, eating, playing, showing concern for one another. Detainee was compared to the family of banana rats and reinforced that they had more love, freedom and concern than he had. Detainee began to cry during the comparison.

Now, to me, that sounds a lot like my Year 12 Advanced English classes, but apparently it's what passes for torture these days. And check out this whopper:

13 December 2002 1115:

Interrogators began telling detainee how ungrateful and grumpy he was.

OH SNAP. If telling the crazy Islamofascist that he's 'grumpy' doesn't get him to reveal the financial backing behind his Al Qaeda cell, I don't know what will. But wait there's more.

In order to escalate the detainee's emotions, a mask was made from an MRE box with a smiley face on it and placed on the detainee's head for a few moments. A latex glove was inflated and labeled the 'sissy slap' glove. The glove was touched to the detainee's face periodically after explaining the terminology to him. The mask was placed back on the detainee's head. While wearing the mask, the team began dance instruction with the detainee. The detainee became agitated and began shouting.

....

...

RRrriiight.

So let's get this right.

First they put on a smiley face mask. Then they slap him with an inflated rubber glove. And then they give him dance instructions. I'm pretty sure you're meant to pay by the hour for this stuff, but this emo freeloader gets it for NOTHIN.

And the glove was 'touched to the detainee's face periodically'? I reckon that's U.S Army We Don't Want Any More Shit To Deal With After We Made Human Pyramids In Abu Ghrahib speak for 'we slapped the camel muncher'. And why do they have to call the glove the 'Sissy Slap'? Isn't it bad enough behind slapped by a rubber glove, why does it need a funny name? And who is the sissy, the murdering terrorist willing to kill himself for his cause, or the Army Psychologist 'periodically touching' his face with a freaking RUBBER GLOVE?!

Why can't we just poke them with stuff like we did in the good old days