The Fall Of Howard.

Mission accomplished.

Election 2007 - D-Day - The 'D' stands for 'Dork'

I don't really care who you vote for today, as long as it's not this guy:




His name is Pastor Paul Green, he is the Senate candidate for the Christian Democratic Party, and from the looks of that photo he enjoys bow-ties, weird stubble and pedo smiles. He's also known for calling for a 'War' on Islam, and is passionate about important issues facing the nation, such as the cancellation of Carols by Candlelight services.

At the risk of posting two blatantly defamatory blogs in a row, I won't say he also likes luring children to the bow-tie cave located inside his giant forehead. I absolutely will not say that.


As for tonight, well... Go Mark Kevin.

Matthew Reilly: 100% Straight

Regular readers should know my position on best-selling Australian author Matthew Reilly - lying on his back in a small ditch slowly filling with dirt and shredded copies of Ice Station.

And they should also know that I don't like him. And neither does the Sydney Morning Herald's photo editor or caption writer, judging by this:

Matthew is smirking because he is thinking in itallics

(At this point, Tommy resisted from drawing a cartoon penis on Matthew's face, because the last blog was too literal)

And come on, Reilly. Did your mum buy that shirt for you? 'Super Hero'? The little black and grey patches? Red after Labor Day? What were you thinking?

And who holds their jeans when they pose for photos? And the brick wall? Is this a publicity shot or an album cover?

And the quotes in the article. Good lord.

"In Seven Ancient Wonders, Jack West and his team break someone out of Guantanamo Bay. I'm not going to preach to people and say, 'Guantanamo Bay, bad', but I will have my hero go and break somebody out of it and maybe people will think about it that way."

Wow Matt, that's so deep. Who needs an in-depth critique of the execution of the war on terror, or even a complex moral argument about the justification of torture in order to prevent civilian deaths when we've got your crayon written shit.

'Well, I wanted to let the audience make up their own mind about abortion, but I will have my hero prevent the spread of a biological virus by terminating fetuses with a clothes hanger and a length of rope,' Reilly added, curling his poofy fringe.

Now, I don't want to risk getting sued by his publicist, but let's just say Ratthew Meilly sounds an awful lot like the name of the prominent Australian author who is a giant wanker. Thank you.

Election 2007 - Rejected Attack Ads

I used to be in demand from all the major political parties, thanks in part to my biting insults and wicked photoshop skills. Well, Family First never showed much of an interest, but that's because I haven't sent enough naked pictures of myself around the internet. Apparently 5 isn't trying hard enough. Hard enough.

There was a time when I was cranking out a dozen or so attack ads every election season. Remember 'L-Plate Latham'? That was me. Calling John Howard a rodent? Me. The short-lived 'Costello is a Pedo' rhyming jingle? Me. All me.

But this election... well... I don't really seem to be getting much work. Sure, there's my royalty payments for the Gillard beaver shots, but the cupboard is a little bare. (So was hers, if you don't mind me saying). And I don't understand why, because I think my ideas this year are just as good as elections past. Check out some of these babies...


This first one was made for a Liberal 'dog whistle' campaign, but it didn't seem to go down well in the test electorate. In my defense, putting it up in Cabramatta was ill-advised.





They say the best ads don't promote something new, they just reinforce previously established beliefs. So, I went in that direction for this Labor Party ad.




The environment is a hot button issue, and it's always good to use newspaper headlines to back up your point:




And this last one... Well........ Probably a little too high brow.




And in retrospect, the T-Shirts were probably a bad idea too.


Oh well, I can always get a job with the Democrats.

Election 2007: Poll Dancing

Now the Election is drawing nearer, we seem to be getting more polls than Lara Bingle at the Allan Border Medals. You've got Newspoll, Morgan, Nielsen, Galaxy, national polls and electorate polls, face-to-face and telephone polls. There's so many polls here, Germany keeps trying to invade us.

And right there is the third poll joke in three sentences, if you included the topic which is not only a delightful pun but also a callback to Kevin Rudd liking strippers.

(My writers are on strike)





But the thing you need to know about polls is that they're really, really expensive. And the newspapers that pay for them are going to milk these polls for all their worth eww are going to make sure they get their money's worth.

So, no matter what the poll actually says, they're going to BS their way to a front-page story with a nice narrative. When Labor's lead increases from 55-45 to 56-44, a one point shift well inside the margin of error (about 3%), we get 'HOWARD'S TITANIC HEADS FOR ICEBERG OF KEVIN'.

When it happens in reverse, and the Libs close the gap from 54-46 Labor to 53-46, we get 'HOWARD'S MAN OF STEEL COMEBACK: SHOULD KEVIN RESIGN?'.

Just wait for this week. Labor's at 53 in the latest Newspoll, and if they go back to their normal level of 54 or 55 next week, it will be 'RATE RISE BACKLASH - HOWARD IS FUCKED AND OLD'.

In other words, don't trust the newspapers.

Trust me.




Vote Kevin.