The Virginia Tech Shooting Blogstravaganza - Part 1

Disclaimer: What happened at the school was a tragedy, which is why the following blogstravaganza will contain no jokes about the victims, the poor girl who was unlucky enough to date a complete fucking psycho, or anything like that. Tommy and Matt do however, reserve the right to insult the shooter, anything he's done or was ever going to do, his entire race, country and anything he's ever believed in.




That is the shooter, twenty-three year old Cho Seung-Hui, pronounced 'Far-King-Ug-Lee'. How round is his head? There are absolutely no corners on that sucker. It's like he's been sanded to make him child safe. He is a native of South Korea, thereby ruining the whole 'we're the good Korea' thing they had going for half a century or so.

sorry guys, but now the smoke monster has to eat you

Details of the nature of the shootings and the exact sequence of events are unclear, even now. However, several eyewitness reports have been coming in from the terrified students who were present during Cho's rampage.

The shooter was "wearing a vest covered in clips was just unloading on their door, going from classroom to classroom … they said it never seemed like it was going to stop and there was just blood all over," Harrison said.

Having these witnesses come forward has proved invaluable to the investigators of the tragedy. If it had been left up to infamous TommyIsCool blogger Matt, I don't think the picture of events would have been nearly as encompassing.

The shooter had "slanty eyes, yellow skin, a triangular hat made out of that woven wood-type stuff, a big stick across his shoulders with two buckets of rice, was in a little midget submarine and was yelling out 'I'm so ronery!'" said Sampson.

Immediately after the shootings, the tragic massacre became politicised. Gun control advocates blamed guns, while the vast American gun lobby blamed Muslims and gays. Some have even gone so far as to say that if more students had been armed that day, lives could have been saved. To which we say...

Ever heard of crossfire, you dumb shits?

Predictably, President Bush has placed himself on the side of the gun lobby, stating that the 2nd amendment to the Constitution, the 'right to bear arms', will not be infringed. Because it's not like America's gun culture is in any way to blame for such a tragedy.

what do you mean 'who is other', i dont know what you're talking about

Speaking of armed students, the flurry of media attention and rapid Googling resulted in a case of mistaken identity. For a few hours, people across the interweb were convinced that this was the LiveJournal of the killer. In their defense, it was pretty hard to tell the difference. He went to Virginia Tech, he had a girlfriend, shitloads of guns and all Asians look the same.

worst. timing. ever.

Sadly for this poor guy, he had to take it upon himself to clear his name, after people left death threats on his phone. Now, we get that this event has obviously made people emotional, but how fucking retarded do you have to be to leave a death threat on the phone of a guy who shot himself?

Unfortunately, as we all know, massacres like this are bound to happen. It appears to just be human nature (as in, instinct, not the shitty band). That's why we used the tried and true (although gimmicky) TommyIsCool Time Machine to go forward 7 years in time and investigate the future of massacres like these. Caution, the following image may disturb some viewers.