Tommy: The Criminal
Aside from being a lousy quitter, my trip to America also unearthed another side of me. A sinister side of me. A repeating side of me. A criminal side of me.
It was a Friday night on the Las Vegas strip. 52 farenheit. Slightly overcast. We'd just returned from a visit to the Bellagio casino, and I was thirsty. I felt a bit dodgy, and 2 for 1 drinks at the Imperial Palace had ended a few hours before, so I walked with my accomplice Richie to get some bottled water at the Imperial Palace's cafe.
As you can probably tell by my last post, I'm pretty impatient. I don't like waiting around in a five-person strong queue at 11pm to buy a $1 bottle of water. And considering the only server at the cafe was busy making some weird croissant for a fat American (probably because they eat ham and cheese croissants at 11pm), I decided to speed up the process. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, hung around for a while, then returned to my table. Yes, I quit the line. As I never paid for the water, I also shoplifted.
how come that one cop has a red stripeIt was freaking awesome. I have never had a better tasting bottle of water in my life. If you had a machine that took nouns, turned them into liquid and bottled them, this water would be 'exhilaration'. Now I know how Sean Connery felt when he made 'Entrapment'. I hadn't been this excited since that time I accidentally put a tab of E into my own drink instead of the 14 year-old girl I was trying to rape. Rape jokes are kind of cheap. And, 14 year old boy would have been funnier. Oh well.
Anyway, needless to say I was arrested and tried, and I'm typing this from a Guantanemo Bay net cafe.
Love,
Tommy
8 comments:
You bloody terrorist
You want to put a 14 year old girl you're trying to rape into your bottle?
i thought the whole "tommy the criminal" thing was when you paid for illegal prostitution off the las vegas strip or is that another story?
i believe that's one of your fantasies
Excellent working in of Sean Connery.
I can only assume your bottle of water tasted exactly like "ZOMG! I get to totally make out with Catherine Zeta Jones, hell yeah!"
Did you bring a bottle back???
Yawn...... You guys got up to some crazy, out there stuff while you were away.
The one cop with the red stripe probably beat up the most number of black people last month.
"14 year old boy would have been funnier" and more honest.
Nice to have you back
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