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Tonight on Channel Seven, at 8:30pm, a very special television show will air. Special because this show is perhaps the single greatest achievement in all mankind. Bigger than walking on the moon, bigger than Pringles, even bigger than Wrestlemania. It's called 24.

Now, 24 is in its fourth season, which means those of you who watch tonight may be a little confused. So, to make sure you understand the greatness of the best show ever, here is my guide to 24 which I will call:

My Guide to 24
part one
a joint collaboration by tommy and matt 'jack's bitch' sampson




The bulk of 24 scenes are set in the fictional Counter Terrorism Unit, or CTU. Based in Los Angeles (the only city where terrorists are in the entire world), CTU is known for its horrible lighting, staff personality disorders and constant sabotage by evil moles. When you watch 24, you'll hear CTU workers throw around words like 'protocols', 'satellite uplinks' and 'sockets'. These are passed off as intelligent computer lingo, however they are just excuses for the script writers to confuse the audience long enough for them to notice that nobody does any damn work in this place. Only people with connections to terrorists or complex social problems are allowed to work at CTU. Being the head of CTU is the most dangerous job in the entire world behind interviewing Tom Cruise. Over the past few seasons, heads of CTU have been:

• Exposed to radioactive poisoning
• Become cocaine addicts to go deep cover in a Mexican drug family
• Been murdered by one of their own agents via order of the President due to the demands of a pooncy British terrorist
• Placed in prison for treason after working with a terrorist to free their CTU-agent lover who was taken hostage and used as blackmail

CTU Los Angeles is under the juridstiction of two places called 'Division' and 'District', however these are just fancy names for 'People who tell Jack Bauer to stop doing cool stuff'.


The CTU Offices WHERE NOBODY PAYS THE LIGHTING BILL


Given the obvious dangers of the role and necessary hard-ass-ness required to take on its responsibilities, the role of CTU Head has only fallen on the toughest of men. I say men, because women, with their emotional tendancies and smaller cranium, could not possibly handle the stresses, rigors and high, glass corner offices involved in the position. In years past, there was only one head honcho. In CTU's glory days of hunting nuclear weapons and foiling international assassins, that role was filled by America's greatest ever hero, George Mason. Despite being lethally exposed to extreme levels of Uranium, throughout the last day of his life George was still the wise-cracking, scheme-hatching, witness-beating renegade he had always been, and crashed a plane into the desert with a nuclear bomb on board despite the fact he was breaking out in random, weeping sores and knowing that his death would deprive the world of 37% of its total coolness.


The greatest person in the world? Our experts say yes

After George's blaze-of-glory-and-atoms death, the CTU head job was split into two roles - Head of Operations, and Head of Field Ops. Head of Field Ops went to Tony Almeida, a CTU alumnus from all the way back in Season One whose voice has only ever raised above a whisper three times, was shot in the neck and went back to work four hours later, and was the first CTU worker to bone his hot colleague and not have anyone die because of it. But only just. Tony eventually lost his job at the end of last season for just being too cool for school. And also something about treason. He tried to explain himself, but no one could hear his manly, husky whispers.


I'm sorry Mr Almeida you'll have to speak up

The obvious person we're leaving out here is the one and only, my personal wet-dream, Jack Motherfucking Bauer. Jack was head of CTU in Season 1, left after his wife was murdered by his former lover and co-worker, came back to CTU on a provisional basis to stop a nuclear bomb and save his black friend's Presidency, then somehow worked his way back up to Head of Field Ops, then got fired again for being a junkie. But it was in the line of duty, honest. So Jack has now gone to work for the Secretary of Defence, which isn't nearly as cool because his job has the word 'Secretary' in it, but at least he gets to bone the Secretary's daughter and also walk around in hot suits all the time. But, being Jack Motherfucking Bauer, you know it's not going to be too long before he ends up at CTU again, again, and will be involved in more unlikely plot devices in the coming 24 hours.



Your eyes aren't worthy to look upon Jack Bauer