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Aside from working at Subway, not working at uni and WASTING TIME ON POSTS ABOUT WRESTLING THAT ONLY TWO PEOPLE LIKED, I'm also partial to the odd game of Poker with my mates (and Richie). So because I haven't posted anything in a while and my parole officer is on holidays, here is Tommy's Guide To Poker

Now, if you're holding a Poker night at your house, the first thing you need is chips. And a house. Doors also help, if only to keep the bears out.


grr me have pocket aces

Second of all, you'll need people. Now, if you're going to invite your friends, you need them to conform to particular stereotypes. You need the high-stakes, risk-taking bastard who raises to $500 on a pair of threes while you fold on three of a kind, the play-it-safe pussy who snaps at the end of the game after losing on a pair of kings, the guy who people forget is still playing, the person who doesn't know anything about poker and manages to win six hands in a row, and Jedi Master Qui Gon Jin

If you can't find Qui Gon, 'Lou' from Neighbours will do


lou provides his own drinks and zany money making schemes

Refreshments are essential to a good game of poker. While all I normally serve is ice water, professional tournaments usually serve alcoholic beverages from sponsors. Alternatively, forcing your guests to fight for the only glass of liquid in the house provides cheap entertainment for that boring 10pm-11pm hour. Videos of the fight can also be sold on Ebay to recoup your gambling losses.

By about midnight, you'll want to start winding the game down. You do this by either increasing the blinds (money to play the hand) or introducing minimum bets. A quick game of Russian Roulette between the two players with the lowest chip counts can also speed up a game, but only use this method if you are playing near an open window - disposing of bodies can be tricky, and it will only generate suspicion from your nosy neighbours who won't let me sleep at night because of their stupid table tennis oh yes my revenge will be fast and bloody and oh shit i'm typing what i'm thinking again craig wing baby oil

While players in professional tournaments such as the World Poker Tour have catchy nicknames like 'Unabomber' and 'Moneymaker', do not encourage this practice in your own games. It just creates arguments over who gets the cool names, like 'Max Power' and 'Paul Keating''. If you find it hard to remember other player's names, call them by their distinguishing features, such as Ugly Face, Small Tits or Fatty Boombalata.


sorry fatty, maybe if you lose 20 pounds we will let you take off the hat

Once the game is over, be sure the players receive their winnings, the chips are packed away, and you haven't left any cocaine on Ngu, your 13 year old Vietnamese houseboy. And always remember to put the 'fun' in your game of Poker (please also remember to put the 'P', 'O', 'K', 'E' and 'R' to reduce confusion)