Because of popular demand (two people), I thought I'd whip up a post about Schapelle Corby's sentence. What you guys mightn't know about me is that I spent 4 years in Indonesia practicing law (at the firm of Hindraytti, Sungkar and Tommy), so I reckon I should be able to explain why our Schapelle got twenty in the slammer. Or as they call it in Indonesia, the slammerwati

You see, Schapelle looks like this:


Schapelle being informed she is white
Now you might be able to see in that photo, if you look hard enough, that Schapelle is what we in the legal profession called 'white'. In Indonesia, if you want to be deemed not guilty for drug smuggling or for murdering a few hundred people in a nightclub bombing including 88 Australians, you have to look more like this:



Abu Bakar Bashir, mastermind of the Bali Bombings, posing for the latest issue of TV Week

I really think that's where Schapelle's legal team let her down. I mean, all they needed to do was implement what I call the Al Jolson defense. I whipped this up in a few minutes, and it's not really courtroom standards, but you get the idea:


Michael Jacks- Schapelle Corby

In regards to my Schapelle Corby sweepstakes, nobody chose the correct, hidden option of 'Schapelle gets twenty years, then her fugmo yobbo Mum yells at the judge as Schapelle gets escorted through a mob of journos and cameramen who keep yelling her name like she will stop and give them all ten minute interviews', so nobody wins I'm afraid. Instead, I will keep all the money and spend it on my latent addiction to Texas BBQ Pringles

p..s naomi robson says fuck



Back when I was younger, I used to love reading the comics on the back page of the Daily Telegraph, just under the TV Guide. They used to run comics like Garfield and Swamp, and were always good for a laugh. But, they also used to run another comic. A cartoon about a dog and its daily thoughts. The cartoon was called Fred Basset.

Fred Basset was an evil comic.

It was a comic so brutally unfunny, so consistently and blatantly horrible that it defied belief. I can't even begin to describe how bad Fred Basset was, so I will let Fred do that for you himself.



How is this funny?!

'Jim I've got this idea for a great comic. 'Dogs like chocolate'
'Mike that's incredible, you should have a sydnicated comic that runs in every newspaper in the world'

And if that wasn't bad enough




The only thing Fred Basset forgets there is the PUNCH LINE

And when all else fails, when the cartoonist is all out of completely un-funny situations to put this completely un-funny dog in, this fucker Basset resorts to the cheapest comedy available - making fun of retards





What an ass


And this comic is like fifteen years old! Printed EVERY single day! For fifteen years!@ The only thing that has been that consistently unfunny for that long is Rove McManus!@

The world is a horrible place

Well folks I promised you SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGERS and I've delivered, here with the very first guest article is my good friend and duck hunting partner MC SCOTTY

CRESTWOOD REPRESENT


When Batman Doesn't Return Your Calls

Now I am not one to talk about worldly events, or as Fox News likes to call it ‘communist propaganda’, but it is time to confront a problem as old and elitist as 3-unit English.

Giving murderers cool names is only encouraging the problem. If you call someone the ‘Beltway Sniper’ (or to us: Highway Sniper) they have a cool name and subsequently a reputation to uphold. Giving someone a cool title gives them instant status and fame, so how about giving them a name so bad that they will want to quit: because there is no point being remembered if you don’t have as much respect and street cred as someone with a pimped out ride. If you take this to the other extreme and give them a name like the ‘Beltway Ass Clown’ then the homicidal maniac would not want to continue pursuing a career that the general news watching public considers relating to clowning of the anal variety.

The Unabomber title wins instant poker respect. Unabomber was originally the name of Ted Kaczynski, a man who for 18 years killed and injured innocent people with homemade explosives. Now Unabomber is another catchy title that gets a man respect and arguably may encourage him to maintain his reputation through crime… or he may simply be a sick psychotic bastard, but let us put that aside for a second. Putting our theory into action let’s call him ‘rich dawg’. Now the individual has almost no street and/or poker cred.

So I bet you are asking yourself, sure you have a valid point here… but I want to know what the speed of dark is. Well in that case you can go vote for Labor. For those of you who question the authenticity of Dr Dre’s medical credentials, read on.

Now I am not going to sit idly by and let this trend happen. Such names have the potential to get you, the reader, instant popularity with the middle-aged emo girl demographic. So I have fulfilled my civil duty and registered the following names, now available for purchase on eBay: Explosive Surfer, Golf Commando, Carpark Ninja, Cannibal Butler and Chuck Norris.

So in conclusion, how about we don’t encourage criminals to continue their crimes by giving them catchy names… and not force people to pay student fees at uni.

Written by Scott ‘Quick Draw McGraw’
Presented by Quentin Tarantino

Game 1 of the State of Origin was on last night FUCKING KIMMORLEY WITH HIS SHITTYFUCEKINKICKS , it was an absolute cracker. Of course, KIMROELYEIWHT DIE DIE DIE there was one player who didn't really live up to the hype, and that was NSW Halfback Brett Kimmorley. Now, I'm not one to get vindictive when a footy team loses UFCKINE GKIMMORLEY PIECE OF FUCKING SHITE OH I MIGHT THROW AN INTERCEPT PASS BECAUSE I LIKE DICK but Kimmorley really needs to lift his game if he wants to play in the big leagues. 4 of his 5 kicks in the first ten minutes were horrible, his attacking options HOPE HE GETS FUCKING HIT BY A CAR WHEN HE'S FUCKING WLAKING WITH HSI WBOYFRIEND were weak, and he made a few monumental stuff-ups that surely cost NSW the game (his intercepted pass in golden point, missed conversion, offside penalty). I think Brett Kimmorley is an excellent player FUCKEING PIECE OF SHIT SHORT LITTLEF FUCKE RIWTH TINY DICK but I don't think he should be selected for Game 2.

Anyway, what's in the past is in the past, there's no point bitching about it. You tried your best Brett, and that's all we can ask for.


I will now leave you with a photo of Brett Kimmorley being sexually assaulted by a North American Grizzly Bear

Well, the verdict in the Shapelle Corby trial is to be handed down this Friday in an Indonesian Court/Bingo Hall, so what better time to launch my first ever Shapelle Corby Verdict Betting Sweepstakes!

Currently, the odds are looking something like this:

• Shapelle found guilty, Women's Weekly runs story on 'Shapelle's Heartbreak', A Current Affair have exclusive interview with Shapelle's ex-husband followed by story on which brand of cereal contains the most fat - 3/2

• Shapelle found innocent, signs exclusive contract with Channel Nine, gives interview with 60 Minutes then stars in next series of 'Celebrity Overhaul' - 13/1

• Shapelle found guilty, then freed from cell by a crack team of commandos with nothing to lose and everything to gain, led by John Howard and the reanimated corpse of Frank Sinatra - 17/1

• Indonesia provides a white person with a fair trial without any tampering of evidence to prove it's an actual functioning democracy and not a tinpot half-baked excuse for a country that will never be taken seriously while it sentences dope smugglers to death and only gives the mastermind of the Bali Bombings a few months in jail - 1,230,492/1

Send in your bets via cheque, money order or naked photos including a stamped, self-addressed envelope and the keys to your house

Saddam Lawyers to sue over underpants photo

Lawyers representing Saddam Hussein plan to sue the British tabloid that published intimate photos of the deposed Iraqi dictator, Al-Jazeera television reported, quoting the head of the defence team.

The photos in the The Sun, one of which shows Saddam wearing only his underpants, are a "violation of human rights and in contravention of the Geneva Convention" on treatment of prisoners, Ziad Khassawneh was quoted as saying.

- from ABC News Online

Shit.

I have to say, I'm shocked it only took me about three weeks to break the Geneva Convention on treatment of prisoners on my blog, I was holding out for at least six




'Mass Destruction', the new underwear from Calvin Klein